How are you?

Last night I might have felt that work was meaningful and joyful – after a dull morning I begin to have doubts.  How is my self belief right now? Have my optimism levels dropped these last few months? You get the point. It is no surprise many of us avoid the question and simply come out with our own brand of cliche – and a lot of the time that’s ‘just fine’, ‘all’s well’, ‘mustn’t grumble’. The much bigger problem is when I have gradually got out of touch with my ability to answer this question when I am asking it of myself.  For years I think I repressed a lot of negative emotions – difficult emotions from childhood, frustration and powerlessness in my early career, feeling misjudged as an introvert in an extrovert culture. My repression made me periodically moody, distant and unhappy. The whole area of how I was doing became foggy at times – I just lost touch with how I was doing in some areas.  These days I suppress more – I don’t avoid the difficult emotions, I simply choose my time, place and person to work them through with, which works a lot better. I have also learnt to avoid answering the question when certain people ask it or when I sense my body and soul just need a nice walk, a lovely meal out or a few days break.

I have also learnt to embrace foggy confusion as a place where the fog could lead to something enlightening, knowing that the sun will re-emerge at some point. I have a reasonable track record now of working through painful, difficult and even incomprehensible times and ending up in a better place emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I suppose this is one of the many benefits of getting old.

I think that one of the reasons my brain freezes when I am asked the question ‘how are you?’ is that I often feel the need to talk in binary terms – am I basically doing well or badly? – which is all that many people really want to know.  This is where a flourishing framework helps. It takes the answer away from simply ‘am I happy or unhappy?’ towards something much richer, accurate and helpful. Reviewing the five key categories of flourishing  (meaningful well-chosen work, managing our emotional and mental health, developing great relationships and community, personal identity and growth, and life-giving spirituality that connects with goodness and beauty) can really help. I find it very helpful to ask myself: how is my self-belief? What bad emotions are raising their ugly head from time to time? How are my relationships going? How am I doing with engaging with the adventure of life and its wonders?

So this year I won’t stop using cliches when needed; cliches can keep daily communication ticking over. But I have decided I am going to “up” my times of  searching my own soul a bit more, keep working at being increasingly honest with myself and my trusted friends. I am going to take a few more managed risks with different people. And hopefully, as I work at staying in touch with honest reality, I will find a few ways to flourish even more.  JC